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95 Greatest Quotes By Groucho Marx

Groucho Marx Quotes

“I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.”

Groucho Marx Quotes

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“Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read.”

“I, not events, have the power to make me happy or unhappy today. I can choose which it shall be. Yesterday is dead, tomorrow hasn’t arrived yet. I have just one day, today, and I’m going to be happy in it.”

“Each morning when I open my eyes I say to myself: I, not events, have the power to make me happy or unhappy today.”

“Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.”

“When you’re in jail, a good friend will be trying to bail you out. A best friend will be in the cell next to you saying,

‘Damn, that was fun’.”

“I intend to live forever, or die trying.”

“Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife.”

“A black cat crossing your path signifies that the animal is going somewhere.”

“No man goes before his time – unless the boss leaves early.”

“The problem with doing nothing is that you never know when you’re finished.”

“Some people claim that marriage interferes with romance. There's no doubt about it. Anytime you have a romance, your wife is bound to interfere.”

“There’s only two things you can start without a plan: a riot and a family, for everything else you need a plan.”

“Learn from the mistakes of others. You can never live long enough to make them all yourself.”

“Marriage is the chief cause of divorce.”

“What have future generations ever done for us?”

“I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member.”

“If you are not having fun you are doing something wrong.”

“Time wounds all heels.”

“Will you marry me? Do you have any money? Answer the second question first.”

“Patience is the art of finding something else to do.”

“Humor is reason gone mad.”

“The Two Most Important Words In The World Are Honesty And Sincerity, If You Can Fake These You’ve Got It Made.”

“I could dance with you until the cows come home. On second thought I’d rather dance with the cows until you come home.”

“Blessed are the cracked, for they shall let in the light.”

“There’s one way to find out if a man is honest – ask him. If he says, ‘Yes,’ you know he is a crook.”

“Whatever it is, I’m against it.”

“The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you’ve got it made.”

Groucho Marx Best Quotes

“I’m not crazy about reality, but it’s still the only place to get a decent meal.”

“The only real laughter comes from despair.”

“Next time I see you, remind me not to talk to you.”

“If you find it hard to laugh at yourself, I would be happy to do it for you.”

“Getting older is no problem. You just have to live long enough.”

“While money can’t buy happiness, it certainly lets you choose your own form of misery.”

“Only one man in a thousand is a leader of men – the other 999 follow women.”

“Now there’s a man with an open mind – you can feel the breeze from here!”

“Blood’s not thicker than money.”

“A hospital bed is a parked taxi with the meter running.”

“Why should I care about posterity? What’s posterity ever done for me?”

“I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn’t it.”

“This book was written in those long hours I spent waiting for my wife to get dressed to go out. And if she had never gotten dressed at all this book would never have been written.”

“The first part of the party of the first part shall be known in this contract as the first part of the party of the first part shall be known in this contract – Look, why should we quarrel about a thing like this? We’ll take it right out, eh?”

“Hail, hail Freedonia, land of the free!”

“If we had some eggs we could have eggs and ham, if we had some ham.”

“You’re the most beautiful woman I’ve ever seen, and that’s not saying much for you.”

Best Quotes By Groucho Marx

“Yes, darling, let me cover your face with kisses-On second thought, just let me cover your face.”

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“Man does not control his own fate. The women in his life do that for him.”

“If the garbage man calls, tell him we don’t want any.”

“Don’t look now, but there’s one too many in this room and I think it’s you.”

“Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.”

“He may look like an idiot and talk like an idiot but don’t let that fool you. He really is an idiot.”

“Don’t ever underestimate the importance of money. I know it’s often been said that money won’t make you happy and this is undeniably true, but everything else being equal, it’s a lovely thing to have around the house.”

“This would be a better place for children if parents had to eat spinach.”

“Do you mind if I don’t smoke?”

“One woman and one man might have been OK in your grandmother’s day, but who wants to marry your grandmother? Not even your grandfather!”

“Be open minded, but not so open minded that your brains fall out.”

“Middle age is when you go to bed at night and hope you feel better in the morning. Old age is when you go to bed at night and hope you wake up in the morning.”

“Why a four-year-old child could understand this report. Run out and find me a four-year-old child. I can’t make head nor tail out of it.”

“Given the choice between a woman and a cigar, I will always choose the cigar.”

“Hello, I must be going.”

“Money frees you from doing things you dislike. Since I dislike doing nearly everything, money is handy.”

“Love flies out the door when money comes innuendo.”

“Oh, are you from Wales? Do you know a fella named Jonah-He used to live in whales for a while.”

“If you’ve heard this story before, don’t stop me, because I’d like to hear it again.”

“Dig trenches? With our men being killed off like flies? There isn’t time to dig trenches. We’ll have to buy them ready made.”

Groucho Marx Quotes Collection

“Afraid? Me? A man who’s licked his weight in wild caterpillars?”

“We’ll meet at the theater tonight. I’ll hold your seat ’til you get there. Once you get there; you’re on your own.”

“The admission fee was a viper’s tongue and a half-concealed stiletto. It was a sort of intellectual slaughterhouse.”

“No one is completely unhappy at the failure of his best friend.”

“A man’s only as old as the woman he feels.”

“It is impossible to design anything that is foolproof because fools are so ingenious.”

“I’m not feeling very well – I need a doctor immediately. Ring the nearest golf course.”

“Die, my dear? Why that’s the last thing I’ll do!”

“In America you can go on the air and kid the politicians, and the politicians can go on the air and kid the people.”

“I never go to movies where the hero’s tits are bigger than the heroine’s.”

“Celebrate the cracks, because that’s how the light comes in.”

“Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.”

“This isn’t a particularly novel observation, but the world is full of people who think they can manipulate the lives of others merely by getting a law passed.”

“There was no need to inform us of the protocol involved. We were from Chicago and knew all about cement.”

“Jail is no place for a young fellow. There’s no advancement.”

“I have an agreement with the houseflies. The flies don’t practice law and I don’t walk on the ceiling.”

“Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly and applying the wrong remedies.”

“She’s so in love with me, she doesn’t know anything. That’s why she’s in love with me.”

“Send two dozen roses to Room 424 and put “Emily, I love you” on the back of the bill.”

“I’m leaving because the weather is too good. I hate London when it’s not raining.”

“I’d have liked to have gone to bed with Jean Harlow. She was a beautiful broad. The fellow who married her was impotent and he killed himself. I would have done the same thing.”

“Take two turkeys, one goose, four cabbages, but no duck, and mix them together. After one taste, you’ll duck soup for the rest of your life.”

“Just give me a comfortable couch, a dog, a good book, and a woman. Then if you can get the dog to go somewhere and read the book, I might have a little fun.”

“Don’t let the fear of the thorn keep you from the rose.”

“I can see you in the kitchen bending over a hot stove, and I can’t see the stove.”

“Poverty makes people sub-human Excess of wealth makes people inhuman.”

“A clown is like aspirin, only he works twice as fast.”

“No, Groucho is not my real name. I am breaking it in for a friend.”

“Bel Air, I am convinced, was laid out by some diabolic sadist who deliberately decided not to use a compass or a surveyor.”

“My brother thinks he’s a chicken-We don’t talk him out of it because we need the eggs.”

“I’m going to Iowa for an award. Then I’m appearing at Carnegie Hall, it’s sold out. Then I’m sailing to France to be honored by the French government – I’d give it all up for one erection.”

“The only game I like to play is “Old Maid”, providing she’s not too old.”

“All people are born alike – except Republicans and Democrats.”

“The Alps are a simple folk, living on a diet of old shoes. And the Lord Alps those who alp themselves.”

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